To keep people up to date, a passionate message to :behindanonymity.blogspot.com from Jenny can be found here http://dirtyflowergirl.blogspot.com

Ok, three things for this afternoon's update (which in itself is odd due to the next one being scheduled for March some time).

1) Read some information about problem colleagues. Found the category I fit in to, but not the one they fit into. So the problem must be mine. But I already do what the advice says i.e. saying no to things I can't do. I try not to promise the world. I know what I'm capable of, I just annoy myself when I fail. It isn't my incompitence, it is, in fact, not knowing the whole picture. So in future I shall endeavour to get as much information as possible before I start something. Though it would help if I even had prper equipment to start with!

2) Now we come on to the main reason for todays post. My friend, Perdysha, received the following comment on her journal:

Hi. I'm new to blogging and all, so please excuse me if I'm breaking some sort of etiquitte here. I'm looking for the owner of:
http://jamba.blogspot.com
I believe it said this blog belongs to his mate.
I'd very much like to pass a note to the girl in behindanonymity and jamba seemed to be in at least some sort of contact with her.
I wonder could I even send a note to jamba to post on his blog for her.
ANYTHING! I'd just like to offer friendship and listening - I'm not a crazy stalker or a bible beater or anything like that.
My blog is not up yet, my email is xx@yy.zz [blanked for security]
Please contact me if you can help and again, I apologize for bothering you.

Thirdly, my reply:
3) Hi Jenny (I presume that's your name) first of all, the fact that you have gone to such lengths to get in touch says something in itself. I shall be sending an email to you shortly, which will give you my address should you want to talk about this issue further. I am replying publicly so as everything is out in the open.

I would now like to make something clear (mainly for legal reasons):
I have no contact with the girl behindanonymity
The order of events were as follows:
1) I come across a disturbing blog, completely accidentally.
2) I am in the process of updating my blog and comment on what I saw
3) Someone else saw a reply to my comments on the disturbing blog.
4) I replied using my blog because I didn't want to face saying nothing
5) I found a second reply from behind anonymity

Ok, now that's out the way I shall continue my reply. Jenny (if that's your name), feel free to write about this on your own blog. I could put a comment on mine, but there is just as much chance of the behindanonymity person would even read it.

I know what is written on behindanonymity is disturbing. I know of a few people, including myself, who have been upset over this. But, if the behindanonymity person does read this blog, she will already know that you care. So I have to recommend you say nothing further because in all likelyhood nothing you could say could change her mind. Though the choice is indeed yours.

As I've already said, I'll send a blank email to you so you have my address. Then, if you want to talk I can try and help.

Hi, Monday again. And here I am, at work, and feeling rather demoralised.

Any way... must mention valentines day. Thank you Tracy for a lovely weekend, and a lovely card. She made it herself you know - and its even good!!! hehe

Mate is comin down next week, so I shall have to tidy my flat... which i havent been in since Friday afternoon! I may even try my hand at polishing. Well, it has been 3 months. Housework never gets done - mainly because I'm not there to do it, and when I am I'm too nackered. Which, according to friends, is completely understandable.

Right then. WHere can I satrt improving things at work? Well, a fight might be nice, but the slightly more plausable idea of assertiveness may go down better. Not that I'm assertive very often. Just when I have to be. Don't really use it 'on-tap'.

Well, I'm off to look at the many offers for Viagra I've no doubt received, and the couple decent emails in-between. Apologies for my grammar and spelling.

To behindanonymity.blogspot.com:
The one thing that shook me most from reading what you have written, is the calmness of it. It isn't said in anger, in spite, in misery or, for that matter, happiness. It is very objective.

From what you do say, I'm left to believe that this is just the tip of the iceberg. But I'm going to stick by what I said, and what I implied. I think, that before you do this, you should try every other possibility. I agree that society does view suicide as a weakness - I don't see it quite like that, but I still believe it should be the very last option.

Don't think of how foolish I am, think how much misery it will bring if I continued living with such a life.

I don't want any pity from anyone. Just know that there are people with exceptionally harsh lives out there.

I don't for one second think you're foolish. Indeed, there are people with lives a lot worse than mine. I can't say I've ever seriously thought about suicide, but I have been low. But this isn't about that sort of thing, I'm drifting off the subject.

I really don't know what to say. Not that the words of a stranger mean anything anyway. Just be really really really sure it's the best option. People will be upset, people will be shocked and they will have to live through this. People will miss you. What about whoever finds you? What will it do to their lives? Things like that can disturb people for a long time.

But then, you've probably considered all of that - you bloody well better have done.

Yes, I'm probably contradicting myself and making little sense. That's normal.

Nothing I can say will change your mind.

This whole thing has upset me. I'm an emotional person. and I'm also bloody freaked out by the way I'm talking to someone who could be dead in a few weeks. What the hell do you say? Legally I can't say "good luck", I don't particularly want to say that either. I just want to be sure you know that your choice is the only choice, and all other choices have been used. But, how will I ever be sure? So I'll say this:

Goodbye

Ok, it's been a long time, and a lot has happened.

Christmas went well, got a few pressies and I liked them all. New year was good, spent time with mates and gf, saw films, went for walks, dislocated a few joints, so all in all a good couple of weeks.

January was quite boring really. Visited Trace towards the end of Jan cos I got some time off. Not many work trips in JAn - 2 trips to Germany though, quite enjoyed it. I actually understood most of what was being said since the trip was caried out almost entirely in english. So i felt i had a much larger role to play.

Unlike February. Which started with a work trip to france for the week. On our way home we were told another french mill needed us. So we went there. Stopped there till nearly 1am, then I was off to the airport for midday saturday. picked up some illness so im a bit dizzy, a bit bunged up, bit achy, but otherwise ok.

1st February was my Nan's birthday. Unfortunately, she died in October 2001, but I love her so much and would like the rest of the world to know that. Also had a really emotional dream about her this morning and I woke up crying at about 4am.

Haven't been keeping in touch with people as well as I could be. There are certain people who I used to be friends with, but they don't bother talking to me anymore. Yes, it was my fault to start with, but I've tried to correct this but all I get is:
1) ignored
2) fobbed off
3) chatted to in an over-friendly, way-too-generous way
at least i can say one thing... I know who my friends are.

Have a new addition to my website (first in a long time). Again about a block of flats and lights (related?!) The complex in which I live has corridor lighting on a timer activated by a switch at the front door. So, when someone comes in, they switch the light on. The corridors stay lit for 5 minutes or so.

Now, I leave work at random times. Anywhere between 4 and 7 usually though. and whenever I return, the lights are already on. So, I propose that there is someone either spying on me or living in my flat while i'm not there and they have an early warning system in place.

Hjmmm, thinking about it, that is quite pathetic. I mean, thats a standard time for people to get back from work. It could be anyone. Oh well.

How about people staring at me? That's still going on even though I've bought a new jacket! Its a furry thing. I think a womans coat but, to quote Tracy, "a woman wouldn't be seen dead in one of them". I think she thinks it's hideous. But it's warm - and that all i care about.

Am feeling a bit shaken from another blog i've read. it's someone who plans to kill themself on 3rd March 2004. Reading it, you come away with the impression that all the upset could be avoided if the person would seek help. But they keep it bottled up. I'm not sure they'll go through with it, I hope they dont cos there seems little need. They admit they have good days. so maybe anti-depressants would help. maybe there is an underlying physical condition affecting this person. the link is here for the more morbid reader...http://behindanonymity.blogspot.com