Friday 30 May 2003

Just calculated my life expectancy - 82 years!!! But i am underweight. Well - im gonna have dinner now, so I'll hope to improve the weight issue!!!

Oh, and apparently grilling meat and fish increases the cancer causing chemicals. FFS! Can't eat anything! Coke and Tango (maybe many others) have a poison in them, you need to cook everything i a certain way! Well, sod it. I'll make a few changes, possibly limit my exposure. But It's too fussy for me to remember. Maybe over time - eh?

Oh, and I found out that "Gut-transit time" should be kept below 20 hours to limit the exposure to possible cancer causing chemicals. Hence decrease chances of bowel cancer. etc.

The list was quite extensive. Still, at least i KNOW where I'm going wrong now.

Bye bye.
ooh, had a go at sister a little. im feeling much calmer now. not sure if i could sleep - i'd probly start thinking about stuff again
did i mention my back now KILLS from the bike ride. I expected my legs to ache, they do a little, but nowhere near as much as i expected. How about that then? I say it's typical. Others would say stop being so silly.

I do silly bloody well!

I also do anger well. I'm now plotting revenges against girls bf's who cheat on them. Some lovely schemes. Oh, and yes i do know that its very very late. not tired yet
right, to summarise the last 20 minutes: i have to tell him, unequivically that i don't fancy him. However there may be questions regarding my own sexuality.

FFS! at least im a little calmer now.
this is getting good. All complete balls mind.
harvmeister: ok, so i'll meet u half way on this one. i know i have no interest in him.
steph_1966: yeah but thats just him
harvmeister: so i should tell him this outright?
mrstruth: aye
steph_1966: yes u should
harvmeister: and that will solve which problems?
steph_1966: no point in keeping the guy hangin on
steph_1966: cos he`s prob just as wound up as u r
harvmeister: the possesiveness?
and now i'm feeling like i have to question my sexuality - which I'm certain of for the first time in years! So, where is tonight going to lead? stay tuned!
steph_1966: but he does know that u tired it tho with some1 else?
harvmeister: yeah. i was telling him how i know i'm not gay. The same night he told me he fancied me
steph_1966: thats were u made the mistake then
steph_1966: if u tod him that u have tired out a few things
harvmeister: he thinks that i tried it once, i might be open to try oit again?
steph_1966: *told
steph_1966: thats prob wat he is thinking
harvmeister: oh bugger!
i am SOOOOOO bloody angry right now!!! have u seen the time? I can't get to sleep now - i've worked myself up into such a state! And all because of a text messge, that, for most intents and purposes, was meant in a friendly way. I just didnt take it like that. I see it as an attack on my privacy. Coupled with the feeling that my Mom pries WAY tooo much into my life, I'm feeling rather angry.

Who shall i have a go at first? I know - text message snder....he wasn't meant to know where i was. i so wish i'd stayed in a __ing b&b now! it may have cost a bit, but at least i'd be away from EVERYONE. every __ing nosy bastard who wants to know TOO much about me. I don't mind ppl knowing some things - hence THIS piece of self absorbed effluence! But trying to know EVRYTHING does my head in. And it makes me angry! I've spent the last hal;f hour imagining fights and arguments. Of course, i alwasy win, but that just fuels the anger further. BLOODY BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! How dare he get me this sodding angry. Have this level of control. It's that that I resent the most. Almost as much as i hate that stupid, borderline pathetic, threatening stare. All it __ing does is make me want to punch the git - doesn't scare me, make me feel guilty or anything. just fillsd me with __ing rage.. BLOODY BLOODY BASTARD!

As for Mom, well, her intentions are, at least, honest and sincere. She cares, fuck knows why she seems to delve into my personal life so deeply. She does it with no1 else - just me. __ing fantastic trhat is! Am i allowed NO privacy. Am i allowed no peace? All I'm trying to do is get on with my life. I'm coping. I see a psychotherapist, I see a counsellor, I have a doctor monitoring the physical effects of all this stress - FOR FUCKS SAKE i'm BLOODY WELL COPING!! But no, that isn't good enough is it?! No, not only am i doing all that, but my bloody mother wants me to tell her exactly whats gone on, n all the gory detail possible. I don't tell her, and i tell her that what she's doing annoys me - BUT STILL SHE ASKS!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*deep breath*

All i want, is to start enjoying my life. I'm sick of ppl prying. It doesn't FEEL like care. It's meant as care, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm happy having virtually no real-life social life. I'm happy having my mates miles away from me. Cos when i visit, it's special. The impersonality of the internet allows me to overcome my low confidence. I'M __ING FINE AS I AM! I wish ppl would just stop fussing and just leave my mental state alone! I didn't mention that the texter is a psychology student did i? I __ing hate them now. Always watching, and knowing your mind better than you. There's fuck loads of suspicion going on i know. Possibly a hefty dose of paranoia. And no, i'm not entirely sure what i want done to rectify the situation. But i am VERY pissed off right now, and this has been why.

I'm now gonna go on chat. Hopefully SOMEONE i know will be online for me to chat to. I can only hope!

Thursday 29 May 2003

Well, who would've guessed it eh? I'm back home in Stourbridge at least 4 days early!!! Not my fault though - I got a bit scared by the bloke I've been sharing a house with. He was being a bit nasty and since I know what he did to the last person he didn't like (it involved poisonings) I didn't want to stick around. Of course, he's all apologetic now, but it's too late. Damage is done. I'm home. Don't have to go back for 15 months!!! Work placement is the next thing to worry about, though i should be getting ready for any resits I have.


Talking of uni, all me assignments should be in now. So I think I can afford to relax.

Prepare yourself - big brother comment is next: It's shite when you're not all wrapped up in it. Right now - they're singing their hearts out in the back garden...... and i thought i was bad!!! Lol! At least they failed their task. All they had to do was sit in a sodding pedalo - how difficult can it be? But no, smart arse Federico decides he wants gum. Idiot.

Right, enough of that. Still miss Wales.

It's now quite late for me. Ive been sleeping well and in normalish hours just lately. Plus I think I've got everything off my chest. I could whinge about my computer being broken even more YET AGAIN than when I left it, but I can't be arsed. It's too warm and I'm sweating - oh the shame!!!

So night night x

Tuesday 27 May 2003

wow. deep conversation. Lovely chat room. (again).

It really is a shame that i cant talk in real life like i do when im on the internet. Im gettin better at chattin on the phone now. But im still not as chatty as i used to be.

I used to be really sociable, talking all the time to different ppl - really! ok, so always on the phone - barely anyone would be seen dead talking to me face to face, but i'd talk for ages on the phone. But then (and probably rightly so cos of the phone bill) i was made to sto talkin to ppl. and so number of friends dwindled. i lost the nack of talking. And so here we are. Mr Unable to hold a conversation cos he does too much thinking.

Never mind eh? I think i did ok in Wales. no, for me, i did REALLY well. So i'm now gonna go home, buy some pizza and have inane conversation, listen to general abuse of the german language, and watch tv that i may or may not like. Still, if u cant have fun at home - where can u have fun?!!! Oh the irony! Im goin back to bloody Wales. I was having fun there! Lol. And yes, im going to be going on about this for at least the rest of this week - it being the higlight of the month. and year so far. i have interesting experiences planned for june - all of which will be here. Oh god.

never mmind. off i go. t'ra.
lovely chat room.

I just remembered a story i can put on site. Something some random bloke was telling me on the train. very interesting really.
ok, so I'm home now. Back in glorious Huddersfield. I'd forgotten how much the place smells. Well, not so much smells, but has a large variety of odours. Including, spray paint, oil, fire, "fine authentic asian cuisine" and who could forget that smell of the rivers. Lovely. Though probly not as bad as the river ankh - these at least flow with 90% water!

These uni computers aren't as good as the last one i was on. But never mind, i shall have to make do. I may as well say that the trip is now over, and though i do feel kinda sad because it is, I still had a great time. So Wales is now oficially forgiven cos I managed to leave Wales happy - and that's never happened before!!! Hehe - and I told my flatmate that I went to Scotland. Didn't want to explain the truth, i'd rather it not be tarnished by his misery.

Erm, I haven't mentioned Big Brother at all yet i don't think. Haven't watched an awful lot of it to be honest. Saw the launch night, sat in front of the downstairs TV eating a spicy chinese king prawn meal, and having blackberry cheesecake for desert. Lovely it was. So, it was a good night indeed. Watched a bit of the live stuff. Liked the twist of having to nominate after knowing each other for just a couple of hours. But one thing i don't get is that nobody in the house has figured out that if there are only 4 ppl up for eviction, and each person nominated one person to automatically be up for eviction which means that anywhere between 1 and 9 people voted for them. Which should demoralise them rather more than it has methinks. Anyway, on with the story, went away saturday morning till monday night. Got back watched Alias, stayed up for a bit and went to bed - i was nackered!!! I decided to watch a bit of telly using my handheld TV, saw the first BBLB as well as the BB highlights of the weekend. Then went to sleep for a good 10 hours! The task is to keep pedaling a pedalo continously at over 60rpm for 72 hours. People say it's a good task. I'm undecided. I think it could be though. It's not exactly easy! So I'll check up on their progress in a bit.

So, next day, today, got up and watched Enterprise. Came into uni to re-hand-in my assignments. I think the lecturer was a little annoyed at all the fuss that has been caused. He didn't know he needed ALL our assignments so you can only guess the confusion. I know people who are having to have time off work to come all the way to Huddersfield to hand stuff in.

I think that's a nice catch-up. I'm gonna see if I can find any of my mates on chat. bfn :-)

Sunday 25 May 2003

wow. someone elses computer.

Im in wales.

Went out last night. Had a very good night. Today is lovely too.
I think I may be able to forgive Wales for being so evil to me in the past.
Bless Shaz. Such a lovely host. Lookin after me so well. so THANKS SHAZ!!!

enough said. lovely holiday. not going back to huddersfield cos someone else is there who I'd prefer to limit my exposure to.

Uni mucked up so now i have to arrange all my past assignments (from this year) to be sent from home home to the lecturer - i only can hope he gets them in time. He apologised so i won't call him a dozy idiot. I don't know where my logbooks are, so i'll hand in all i can find and just hope its all there - if its not then I don't know what will happen. Knowing my luck, I'll just have to write them all again! cross ya fingers for me!!

Went for a walk on the beach - gorgeous it was. Saw Ireland. I was so proud. I texted me mate in N. Ireland and told her that i was thinking of her!!! Well, its the thought that counts.

Anyway, must go.

Sunday 18 May 2003

don't know what else to say really. i done nowt. you know about exams, you know about the burglar alarm. You don't know about me driving round the country to see my mates. But that dont make interesting reading does it! It'll be nice. Theres a couple people from lycos, a mate of mine who Ive not seen drunk before, and anyone else i pass on the way! hopefully.

Should be fun. and yes, alarm is STILL going off
Ive now improved the piccy site. Its still egotistical nonsense, but what the hey - im putting a link to it!

Chicken wasn't defrosted. Nor was the quiche that i half ate. Eugh. Think i went to the chinese takeaway 2 doors down instead.

burglar alarm has now been going off for 10 minutes.

Yes, another night to be spent at uni!. oh well. I got abducted to a promotion party last night. That was fun. No really, it was. I thought i was bein cheeky sometimes, but i reckon i got away with it.

Night before that i got very drunk on bacardi. And, bacardi goes straight to my eyes. Vision went very quickly!! Still, i got to watch TV5 (french channel) for a while. I didn't have a clue what was going on. So eventually i put a shopping channel on - they were selling Buffy stuff. Most interesting!!! lol!

Thursday 15 May 2003

yet again... ta da - all done. home time!!! (hopefully the chicken is defrosted tonight - had to make a pasta bake last nigth cos of that bloody chicken!!!).
ta da! all done. piccy site to do now. think i'll go home and leave it for tomorrow. i'll have more time then.
bye ya'll
one new story for website written. i heard these good things on the radio - James Whale, Talk Sport, so i decided to include them in my site. The one is all about Mary Magdelene the other, which i shall write now, is about a worldwide communist empire being secretly established.
friends reunited is so cool. My old chums from school are talkin to me. Okay, so theres only 3 at the minute that I lost contact with. But thats 1 more than last month and 3 more than the month before that! ooh, and i kinda made contact with a 4th girl but she didnt really seem that pleased to be hearing from me. Oh the memories of ppl saying "here's my number, now dont EVER ring me" I'm assuming they meant until we're older. That certainly seems to be the case now.
oh god oh god oh god.

end of last but one exam. if i get the revision in tonight, i'll find tomorrows exam fine.

im so glad its over tough. and i didnt do anywhere near as badly as i thought i would. i was thinking i'd not be able to answer anything. as it turned out, i could answer half of 3 questions!!! the last one is up to the examiner - i did all 6 questions when i only needed 4 cos thats how unsure i was. but its over. i can stop feeling sick. i did better than i dreamt last night anyway.

i got a funny story though. well two actually here goes....

1) We had an exam in a completely strange place. It was at a little known (to us) towards the opposite side of the town centre. So finding the building took a while, then finding the room in the maze of doors was the next thing. Then we come to the room. It was noisy. From car alarms going off, to the heating system squeeling and creaking and banging. Nobody had brought the exam papers because the person who sets the exam is meant to bring them - but he wasnt in. so at the last minute, someone had been asked to step in. Some poor woman had to run across town with the papers! then, once the exam had started, all i could see in the corner of my eye was this blokes foot twitching.

Right story two - Different room, in a bit more of a familiar building across the road from our usual site, room was quiet, warm, but there were pigeons roosting (if a pigeon can roost - it was making a row anyway) outside one of the open windows. The blinds didn't pull down properly so some ppl were being dazled, and guess what........the same bloke who's foot had been twitching all the way through the last exam, was, again twitching. Only this time he kept sighing heavily and making his shoes squeak! so bloody annoying!!!

Thats it for my little stories of woe. Todays exam was in a nice room. Air conditioned, quiet, warm. lovely. Pity about the paper - but hey - what can ya do?

Im all geared up to fail this year now. Ive nearly managed to dissasociate the memories of ppl i hated quitting uni and the thought of failure itself. So hopefully i wont be disgusted with myself. Especially not if i live at home cos sister wont stop pestering me about it. She makes sure she spends every available second at home saying that she earns more than me. Like i care!

I think thats all for now. if i find anything else to rant about i'll be right back.

Sunday 11 May 2003

night night by the way. Exams finish friday. all in quick succession of course - wednesday thursday friday (and not forgetting tomorrow!!!) so I'll be back online then. SO, until the next time i want to waste my time chatting to lovely people and emailing my lovely friends,

night night
I had to come into uni to help my mate. that was at 4pm. I spent a little while revising - 2, maybe 3 hours. It's now 10 to ten (which is late) i'm at uni (wrong place to be this late) and I havent done enough revising.

BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER MY OWN IDLENESS AND INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE!!!

Oh well. Too late now I spose. I think I'll manage to scrape a pass still. It's all formulae u see. and I havent made much of an effort to remember them. i just havent had the energy.

Friday 9 May 2003

Hmmm, well how useless am I? I was meant to come on here b4 coming to uni, but did I? No! Admittedly it wasnt my fault. Had a big tearful heart to heart with family. So I think that kinda excuses me for breaking a promise I made to myself.
Trip to psychotherapist went well today. I got the impression that he seemed to think I've done well this past week.

Oooh - just checking the email account I'm using to talk to the timewasters from my work placement. I have ANOTHER email! AND its from a different person!!!! WOW! Let me read........
If Lycos EVER decides to let me read it..........
*twiddles thumbs patiently*
Strange how the ads work perfectly yet the page is full of errors
Oh balls to this - I shouldnt have to wait 2 minutes for an email message. It's taking the piss.

Im still gonna live on my own. Its gonna cost me over £1500 For just moving in. Then im lookin at £600/month rent after that. I get £1000 back at the end of the year - but I still have to make it appear from somewhere - and how the hell am I meant to do that? I cant keep relying on other people to fund me - and I dont want to be relying on my student loan.
*lycos still not loaded*

Im too thirsty to keep talking. Im getting irritable and my arse hurts from these uni chairs.

But just to summarise, things are going ok, revision is going well, people are being ok with me, and the rain hasn't been pouring down on me.

Heard a great thing on the radio. Completely disproving the bible altogether. I kinda didnt think it was particularly accurate - and it is now proved (publically) that it isnt. Over half of the original has been 'omitted' just to suit the needs of religious leaders. My mate got it spot on "it only goes to prove my point further".

Got to shove that in my site. cant be arsed right now - since it's hurting.

Saturday 3 May 2003

hi!

well, panic stations yesterday. Woke up to discover that I'd mis-calculated the weeks i had until exams. So not only have I done very little revision, but my first exam is thursday. i couls scream "shit" a few thousand times, but I wont. im tryin to stay calm. Its better for my health. Though not a lot is gonna get rid of this aching in my stomach. Ive also missed the hand-in date for my final assignment. Which, and I'm not sure about this, I could get away with if I do well in the exam. I dont think every assignment needs to be done anymore. Well, I guess I'll find out soon.

Heshe is FINALLY moving out today. yes - moving out! I couldnt believe the txt msg I got. (housemate 3 was asking permission to break into my room to get It's ironing board back). So i said yes it can. But, and I dont think she's asked about this, I still have a load of her stuff. well, chopsticks, matrix video. Poossibly a few other bits n bobs. And she better not nick any of my stuff! not that theres much lyin around the house that belongsa to me. I think there's a Faculty video - which, incidently, I bought for my then gf and she didnt want it. Made no effort to even pretend. Just came straight out with it. Is it any wonder she's ex? Theres more, but it'll come out over time.

Im going home sunday now. was gonna go back today, but im avoiding heshe altogether. Dont really want to go back to Uni. Not with someone else living there. Even if the main problem has buggered off, the conditions wont be perfect. But it'll be bearable im sure. Must have faith in that else i'll get tearful again. So i'll be packing up the few things that I need to take back (room up at uni is practically empty already) today. Not a lot. Leaving laptop here. I'll only be gone till end of May. then it's house hunting in high wycombe!

Talking of that, someone ACTUALLY bothered to email me!!! I couldnt believe it! its only taken 3 weeks! its not like its time critical is it?! bloody hell! So, politely of course, im going to tell him to bugger off if he thinks he's lettin me do all the arranging. No easy rides here! Nope, im having a house to myself. I NEED a house to myself. My mind needs a house to itself. i need to recover. And for once in my life (possibly the first time) im doing what i want - not what's necessary.

Well, food time. there's more i want to say, but it'll have to wait. I havent said my big goodbyes either. but i will.

Friday 2 May 2003

It is 03:30 AM. i am very tired.

I stayed up specially to keep a friend company while they worked. Wanted an early night. but no, i stay up. and i thought i was helping. being someone to chat to. to provide a distraction - a welcome distraction from the stresses.

But then she just went. gave up and went to bed. i know i shouldnt, but i feel angry and disappointed. I was tryin - i really was, yet i feel like it wasnt good enough. I shouldnt get so wrapped up in other ppl's emotions. I start behaving like im them. its not good. But i just wanted someone to know i was upset. Upset cos she gave up after I was trying to help. Its bloody difficult to be chatty at three in the bloody morning u know!!!

Im in shock more than anything. hence the inability to express myself. well, tiredness hasnt helped. well i may as well go to bed. i tried, i failed. but hopefully she'll do well in this essay and it'll all be worth it still. Im sure she will do. Cos I do have faith in her. And im sorry for being angry at her for upsetting me. Im just a silly bugger.

For the record, and since I'm here, I have to start my 'mood diary' today. and by the way my moods have been getting more and more volatile this last week - it should prove interesting reading. Also, sister went clubbing in the city (14ish miles away) and she still isnt back. I wouldnt think anything of it if she wasnt 17! its nearly 4am - and she's causing me concern. the little bitch who i like to think i dont give a flying f**k about is causing me bloody concern! BITCH!

bugger, ive wound myself up. What better time than to remember that IVE DONE NO FECKING REVISION THIS WEEK well, except for one day - and that was pathetic.. roll on work placement - its gonna be so good living on my own. For the first few weeks at least. I shall relish theose weeks! Bedtime now. my head hurts, my back hurts, my eyes are sore - my bloody excema cream is at uni house so my forehead feels like its on fire most of the time, im tearful and im going to bed. i better not cry myself to sleep. i'll try reading my book - that always gives me good dreams. thats if i can stay awake long enough.

thankfully, i dont have to be up tomorrow for anything, though i do go back to uni at the weekend - and i dont want to AT ALL.

Sweet dreams