Thursday 27 November 2003

right, about time for another update methinks. And yes, it's lunch time so you can't go getting me into trouble that easy!

diet has ended. Mainly due to lack of chocolate. After all these work trips, I've been left with barely anything to eat (chips and pies at the last inspection), a backlog of ironing and a flat that is getting VERY dusty (not to mention the smell!).

Ooh - haven't told you about my holiday. Well, Dublin was fantastic. Went to a museum which had a real preserved body in it from centuries ago (it was preserved in a peat bog). Also learnt lots about the history of Ireland - like the beginnings of the Republic. Started in Canada - didn't know that.

Architecture in places was lovely, I did like the Georgian district. And the restaurants were nice too. Lots of stuff I'd eat, but Trace is a little fussier than me! We also went over to Malahide castle. Which actually had lots to do with Oliver Cromwell and the English civil war. Again, very interesting. Though the tour was pretty pathetic, it was informative and enjoyable.

The ferry journey to/from Dublin was good. Tracy's first time on a ferry and she coped well with the rather rough trip there. Though the trip back was a lot calmer. Shame we couldn't go outside, I would've loved to look at the stars. Oh well.

Next time I go on hols, it's gonna be by plane. Noticed ryanair do flights usually for £1. Sometimes a lot less. even free in some cases. But airport tax needs to be added. Usually around £10 per person per flight. But still a damn sight cheaper than ferry tickets! Also lots quicker and you don't have to stop up all night.

I won't expose the gaping security holes I've noticed when I've been on my travels. But it's worried and, to an extent, disappointed me. Oh well, may write a letter to gov't about it. Let them know. But that'll have to be once I have a spare 20 minutes or so. Which is rare just lately. Glad the xmas break is comin up. I need it!

Work is going well. I feel I'm making good progress.

If there's one annoyance that spells out this week at work it's not being able to find what you ruddy well know exists.

That said, it's time to get on with me work. Want me project to be finished before xmas. Wish me luck!

Wednesday 29 October 2003

Hello! Dont worry, i havent forgotten about my audience. lol. ive just been keeping you in suspense so that when i do get around to updates, the experience is all the better.

Partly thanks to Tracy, i have no rants. which is a shame cos i do enjoy them. Though I did watch a bit of Pop Idol the other night - it was terrible.

Erm, I re-arranged my living room. So next time Mom pops round she can say "Oooh you've had a change round" and it actually be true.

I'm also on a diet. Well, anti-diet. Whatever. BAsically, I'm underweight (by around 2 stone max) so am trying to put on weight. It's bloody difficult though. I've been eating chocolate all week, having big meals, not moving much - and so far my waistline has changed by, erm, an inch? And even thats debatable! We'll have to see what Tracy says next week. She hasn't seen me while I've been on this diet (started 3 weeks ago) so she'll be able to tell me if there's a difference.

It's my holiday soon! Yes, my first time abroad (on holiday - I go on work trips every few weeks) for 3 years. Going to Ireland - Dublin to be specific. I've spoken to some people and it would be fair to summaris their response as an emphatic "good choice". Me n Trace are off for a week. Stopping in a B&B. Seein the sights and such. I get excited when i think about it - thats how much im looking forward to it. Cos usually i barely react.

Ok, what else? Work is getting better. Im finding my feet nicely and my project is going well. Have a strange prob at the mo, but i'll sort it out. It'll be something silly like I've got two wire mixed up!!! Lol!

May quit lycos chat altogether. Went on their earlier and not a soul recognised me! So maybe sometime soon I'll deactivate my profile once and for all. Shame really, we've had good times. On the other hand, I could keep it running till I'm back at uni where I can talk to Tracy. Though uni computers aren't for that and I may be very busy anyway.

Bit worried about the final year, have been told I could even go as far as MEng. If i do do MEng, I'm the last year of auto-accreditation, which means if I pass MEng I become a Chartered Engineer straight away. I think it's that level, can't remember. Not bad is it? As long as I knuckle down though, I should be ok. Hopefully, if me n Trace are still together, I'd like her to come visit regularly and to visit her too. But I'm sure something can be arranged. Also thinking about living in HAlifax. That way I don't have to wait 50 minutes at the train station. Though that might change cos train operators change next summer.

So it really is just a case of 'wait and see' all round. Though the future, along with the end of this damned education tunnel, is starting to have a definate 'light' appearance.

So, take care ya'll. If you need me, use my yahoo address.

*waves*

Monday 8 September 2003

Sorry sorry sorry. Apologies all round.

Ok, me at work still.

Work has improved for today. LAst week had week off due to stress. Have plenty to be doing and shall continue after lunch break. It's fun stuff to. Stuff that is actually relevant to my degree for a change!

Home life, well, where do i start. Went to the family party after all. it was ok. Lots of people seemed shocked that i'd made it. ha ha ha. well, it was a good opportunity for Tracy to meet the family. She enjoyed it i think. Family certainly liked her.

Have started cooking a cake to take to work with me. I eat a bit each day (obviously). Victoria Sponge I'm gettin good at at the mo. Am exerimenting with flavourings. Think I'm doing quite well :-)

Tracy and me are still fine. Just worth pointing that out.

Erm, weather is still nice. HAve been on trips to Belgium and Aberdeen. Both were nice. Just one piece of advice for everyone: don't drive when tired.

I think that's it really. Nothing else has happened (that's suitable for the internet anyway). Life goes on. Seems to have improved this week. But we'll have to wait and see what happens. Thinking about building my own computer. Also thinking of joining a club somewhere. Don't know what yet. Could do tennis. Could do acting. Though I think I'd enjoy technical crew more. Me being electronicsy.

Well, take care ya'll. sorry my life isn't as eventful as most. and sorry i can't keep updating. Bye Bye *waves*

Friday 11 July 2003

Well well well! Look what the cat dragged in! That being me, I think I just insulted myself.

Can't say much. At work at the mo on my lunch break. Its goin well. Friendly people and such.

Personal life (including love life) is complicated as ever. Tracy gets to come round soon (Yey!). Though I won't see all that much of her cos of work. which is a shame really. But it'll be nice I'm sure.

You missed out on several dpressed periods. Me worrying about one thing or another. Mostly to do with Tracy. However, in a change to the norm i was upsetting myself and she hasn't really upset me ever!!! But it was always silly things caused simply by the fact that I was stuck in a house by myself 24/8. Now i'm out and about and its better.

Met an inet mate - it went ok. At least I recognised the person unlike when i met Steph!!!

Weather has been lovely. Its sunny, warm but a little too humid. Oh well, I'm not complaining!

Erm, thats it really. If somethin of note happens it'll be on here within a month :-s

Bye for now :-)

Friday 27 June 2003

Well, i was more drunk earlier and i had lots to rant about. now i have nothing. im happy if such a thing can exist.

Met Steph today. Long lost friend who moved to Birmingham and now wants to go to uni in Stoke (god help her). Well, it was fun. It started with me leaving my mobile at home so I had no way of finding out who she was. I was waitin on the platform, she was out front. Then almost walked staright past her to go get my mobile from home. If she hadn't shouted i wouldve been another half hour late :-s Well after that embarassment, we had a walk. Went passed my old high school. This was very traumatic for me since I hated hated HATED school. Well, except for the school plays and concerts. Well we got passed. I was shaking. Dinner ladies all still worked there and the old graphics teacher was looking VERY old now.

After this, we went all round other places where I used to hate going. But in a way, having a friend who'd been there with me at the time prevented the pain somewhat. So I overcame a lot of demons today. Well, yesterday now!!! So , It's been fun. Also saw another girl from school called Hannah. Found out she works in town. Im not sure, but I got the impression that either her or a relative own the shop. So success for her.

Well that was the day really. looked through her leavers book and saw how much she was loved. But didnt let myslef feel downgraded by this, which i was quite proud of. We looked through a lot of our photos which was nice. Oh, and in Hannah's shop, she asked what i wanted to buy and I just froze! I wasn't there to buy anythin, just to see Hannah. And i couldnt think of anything! I felt so stupid. So i had a sandwich. I wasnt even hungry. But I panicked over a sodding sandwich! I was so embarassed!

Thats it really. Spent the evening talking to my darling gf Tracy. Got a bit drunk and irate and started ranting to Tracy, but I hope she forgives me. Im fine now. I've sent her some flowers - they're lovely. Hopefully they'll arrive saturday morning before her interview which I wish her all the best of luck for. I know she don't really want it, but she's willin to put up with it just to compromise so that she may have the possibility of visiting me in High Wycombe!

She did drop that bombshell on me tonight. HEr comin to visit isn't deffinate. Yet I've been dreaming of it for days now! Thinkin about how fun it will be. Wondering what it'll be like, whether it'll be as perfect as it'd be really nice to be. But never mind. Even if I dont have that to look forward to, i have movin back to huddersfield to look forward to. cos then im only 20 odd miles away and we can see each other every wkend cos it dont cost that much. And i can budget for it. so that'll be nice.

Anyyway, im nackered now and back is stiff, so im gonna rest in bed. oh, and i wont be back for a while after friday most likely cos i wont have inet access. As far as i know anyway. so we'll have to see. might use library computers if it comes to it, and if they have them. I'll have email via my phone though. so dont forget me, im gonna need u all!

kisses and hugs to the ladies. firm manly handshakes to the gentlemen.

Monday 23 June 2003

well, weekend was fun. I had a nice time. on the whole. Drive was very long. For the first time ever I was petrified of killin myself on the motorway.

Yes, this entry is all about her. So buckle up!

Woke up saturday morning earlier than my alarm (so 5:30am) and started gettin ready to ship out. Set off just after 7am. Got to Burnley by 9:30am, took a further half hour to find where the hell i was! But I finally got to meet Tracy (OMG thats the first time ive used her name here :-s) at 10ish, only half hour earlier than planned!!! Lol.

Tryin to find a hotel to stop in was a nightmare! They were reasonably priced, but the number of roundabouts in Burnley is unbelievable! So, eventually, we stumbled across A hotel. I even managed to find my way back to it that night quite easily. All accidental mind.

Went for our long planned picnic. It was gorgeous - the scenery, the company; but the food was awful.

Then it was bedtime. Alone, in a hotel with damp sheets. The dampness not being my doing it was like that when I got there!!! Intended to sleep till 10ish. Woke up at 5:30am. went back to sleep but kept wakin up every 20 minutes for some reason. Then alarm went off on the tv (WTF? I didnt set it) at 7:30. So now i was wide awake. So i spent from 8ish to 10ish gettin ready. I think i was goin slowly cos it never takes me that long to get ready. me worried - but more about that in a bit.

Spent another lovely day drivin around. Went over to Huddersfield (cos I know Hudds and could show her the nice bits) had a meal, then drove back to her place. Watched a film while semi-cuddled on the sofa - it was Bridgett Jones's Diary. It was so funny. I should've left round about when it started but I decided to stay cos it's a good film, and I was enjoyin the semi-cuddlin!!! But yeah, left late - 10ish. Got home at 1am. I'd covered 490 miles in a weekend! or was it 419? yeah - it was 419 sorry.

Do you think anyone's noticed the huge chunks that have been missed out?
Nah - you covered it up well.
Do you think I should tell them about my worries?
I wouldn't - you never know who'll read this.
But thats not honest is it?
Can you be sure that what you're feeling right now isn't just cos you miss her?
Thats true - so you're sayin I should wait a while before making any decisions?
What decisions are there to make?
I'm not sure how she feels.
Do you need to know?
Not really, I think I don't trust things when they are going so well.
There we go then. Just calm down, relax and be happy that you've found someone who actually cares for you. And likes you for being you. Now when has that ever been the case in the past?
Never.
Are you going to be grateful and stop worrying about nothing?
Yes I am.
Good lad. Now lets pretend this conversation never happened.

Thursday 19 June 2003

Hi! has been a while, but have been rather busy what with one thing and another ;-)

Right, I'll start today and work backwards. Ive spent the afternoon looking at flight schools. It costs £3,000,000 for a plane, but only £100 per flying lesson, ish. This is my latest fad. I went through a stage of wanting a boat too. Which I still want one day. probly a lot sooner than having my own plane!!! But still, you can ask our local airport (tiny thing out in the countryside) for flights to the continent! so, sounds ok. Also spent the afternoon learning about Heinz. They own the biggest kitchen in the world you know. And it's in Wigan.

Yesterday I got very stressed. What with all the helping I did. At 1am I was helping a cousin with his girl troubles, got some sleep and then I was helping my mate a little (not that she needs much help form me - which is nice) and then came tea time. Well, everyone was home. there was the chaos of mom moaning at dad to get his passport forms done and wanting to get the holiday booked right away. At the same time, dad was attempting to make 3 meals at once. Sister was having a strop. So there I was, helping with the food, directing the bed deliverers to the garage, calming mom down and trying to cheer up sister. Then uncle rang and wanted me to go to his house to keep his son company.

Well, this took its toll, but the lovely northener helped it all go aweay and cheered me right up. *thanks*

Ok, day before that - this is Tuesday. Went to bed shop and Dad put a deposit on the bed I liked. Then we went into town and bought me a 2-seater settee and armchair from a charity shop. That was about it.

Monday was me in High Wycombe again. Measuring up my new flat. When u put it in terms of numbers, it's huge. But at least i now know my bed will fit in it! Yey! Got home and my Evanescence album had finally arrived (11 days late!!!). It's beautiful. There's no other word to describe that voice.

So, onto sunday. Not a lot done. played footie again. This time I DID have a nice gentle game. Kept feeling really faint though, and my heart wound pound after just walking a metre or so! it was the heat that did it i think. But it was nice. Laura drove us around. She can DRIVE. yes, DRIVE. the speeds weren't all that legal, but u could tell she had control. Wouldnt be able to react to an accident in time, and I'd probly be seriously injured (i.e. die), but she wasn't gonna make any mistakes of her own doing.

Saturday night went out to play pool. a nice night. again, Laura drove. her parking is just as bad as mine!!! Still, it was a nice night, i barely payed for a thing yet again - which is good and bad - it isn't like i make him pay, he offers, i say are u sure, he says yeah, i offer to pay, and then he goes off and buys me a JD and coke, refusing to just get me a coke! :-s

FRIDAY!!!!!! MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! Had a lovely day. Got up, opened my 6 birthday cards. Then went out to another town up the road/hill. Bought a cinema ticket then went up (yes, up again) to the bed shop. Found a lovely bed. Shiny silver frame. HAs beech slats that bend to make the bed comfier. And the head rest thingy has leather backrests on it. It's a double bed too. The mattress was lovely too. And quite a pricey decent one too. What a bargain! Then went down to the cinema. I went to see The Matrix Reloaded. I was 25 minutes early and so I got there and there weren't even any adverts on!!! But I got comfy and listened to the music. Then a few ppl finally came in, but by the start time, still no ads. So, I was wondering whether im at the wrong film. But they just went straight into the pre film bumf u usually get once the lights go down. I was in the right screen. I enjoyed the film. The superman thing was done tastefully if u ask me. It was believable. I didnt find it cheesy at all! but i know some did. I liked it though. The screen was pretty empty only 8 or so ppl there, and only me and 2 others waited till the end to see the preview of the 3rd matrix film. But it looks good.

And that brings u up to date. My love life just right now is complicated. Well, awkward, not complex. Theres a very nice girl I know. I'd go as far as to describe her as perfect. For once, someone is giving as much as me. Caring for me, able to cheer me up, and thinks like me and could easily help me sort out any problems. So, im thinking 'whats the problem?' Well, there's always a problem. She lives close to my uni. I'll be at the other end of the country for the next year. So - problem. Long distance things are awful. awful, horrible, cruel, evil, demonistic, destructive and cowardly! But still, she's lovely and I dont want to lose her. So txting will have to do. Btw, my phone bill is nearing £50! thats 300 more txts over the wkend! :-s need to buy txts. its cheaper! lol. Oh, I should say that I care about her too - i havent actually said it, just implied it. Theres something happenin this wkend, quite big and a little worrying for her family. So I'm doing what I can, but she managed to cheer up ppl so well! Sorry if this sounds patronising, but i felt proud that someone comforts better than me. And anyone who knows, knows that im a caring person that'd do anything for someone i care about. But it pleased me.

Sick of rambling now, im gonna go get my hair cut. its a fuzzy mess. all shaved off again i think. to about grade 2, with grade 1 back and sides. Dont know any decent styles. Ive tried lookin in mags and stuff, but theres nowt that takes my fancy. MAinly cos they're too difficult to do and i like the ability to get straight out of bed and thats it.

Soy finado [i think that means 'I'm finished' in Spanish]

Thursday 12 June 2003

Hi

Gave blood today. Didn't feel anywhere near as bad as last time, though it did take an age for the blood to come out of me! I have narrow veins apparently. Next time, they'll give my right arm a go. Was tricky getting home what with the big hill, but I went the long way round. It's less steep but does go up, then down, then back up, and depending on the route goes down again! Still, I got back safe and sound.

Checked my phone bill, I've spent £20 texting my mate this month. thats 200 texts!!! i think i may be addicted.

Ok, so the day has gone well. Got 2 birthday cards from Dads side of the family, none from mom's side yet (not suprised) and one from a friend.

Watched the last ever buffy tonight. It was much better than the last ever x-files unfortunately.

Erm, thats it really. Been invited to a party. Bit of a strange situation, but it should be fun. Thats if we're still talking in August. I hope we are, we get on well. So I hope I'll be around for this party - it's her family doo. This will be strange, but do-able!

There's also this thing bugging me. There's this lovely girl who I get on with, but I don't want it to turn into anything relationship like cos it'd be another long distance thing and to be honest - they're gut wrenchingly horrible. So nothing like that could evolve. NOTHING, u hear? It'd be nice, really nice, possibly perfect, but can't happen. It wouldn't be fair on either of us.

Enough rambling.

Wednesday 11 June 2003

Well, what a lovely day yesterday was. I got my results - I managed to pass everything. Only just, but I did it. I passed my worst subject by 2% - but I passed! Much pride.

Then, carried on north past hudds, to my mates house. Well, to her town. Was only meant to spend 2 hours there, but I spent 4! Had a lovely tour of the town - which is quite nice really. Shops shut early - even McDonalds shut at 8! There was one takeaway, and 3 pubs open by 20:30!!!! *shock* Anyway, back to the lovely birthday girl! We exchanged b'day cards - liked hers more than the one I bought her, but there we go. I dont really know how to explain how nice it was. We chatted - yes, me chatting almost as much as her, which I was impressed with. So, a fantastic day and I thank her very much.

So, to stop repeating myself, i'll move on to today. Ive finished all me forms for now. so now im just waiting for companies to get back to me. So, everything is sorted, wheels are in motion, and I'm having the smoothest week ive had in, erm, forever. I actually walked through town smiling - I have NEVER done that. But I was, i was smiling. thinking about lovely yesterday, successful today, and tomorrow when im doin something - i forget what, i dont know what day of the week it is. if it's wednesday it's task night on BB so I'll laugh at em failing. Tomorrow I give blood! Friday I was gonna meet someone, but that's been called off.

Talkin of things bein called off - schoolmate who i was meeting today, rather ironically, injured herself playing football (like me!) and so couldnt move. so didnt come. but hopefully she will. I was lookin forward to it, but luckily i was in such a good mood already, it didnt hurt too much. Well, im gonna go enjoy this feeling. I feel like a king so far this week - like I can do anything I want. Dont know how it'll hold up when sister is around, but here's to hoping that it will!

Monday 9 June 2003

Right then. In order of most memorable events today (so far) (highest to lowest)....
1) Saw a girl i knew at high school. Haven't seen her in 3 years. She looked stunning. Think her name was Sarah - can't be sure.
2) Saw one of my sisters old mates pushing a pram (she'd be aged 17 now)
3) Sorted a place to live next year. It's very nice and has a washing machine.
4) Drunk asian guy on train was chatting up all the lovely ladies.
5) Body still hurts, but I made it through the journey.

And that's about it. I could go into detail about feeling lonely and single today, but I don't feel like dwelling on it. So tonight I'll probly write at length! lol!
Ow ow ow ow ow
I hurt. Ive buggered my left elbow (cant use arm now), right leg is hurting at the hip and knee, my back is in agony, my ribs ache, my toes sting and finally my head is still screwed from all the drinking i did last night. So I think that's it.

Had a great night Saturday. It was almost as if I hadn't been gone. Ppl asked how uni was going - i told them the truth. They just stared at me as if i was making it up. I wish I was. Then today, after a shaky start, got took out for breakfast at Sainsbury's. Then i went back home for me sunday lunch. Then went out for a 'mild kick around'. This turned into a full blown match. We lost 9-10. I was in goal. I actually did really well. Saved most shots, most of their goals were pure luck! But i did do this classy save - I went to catch the ball, but i got it wrong and it bounced up off my arm, smacked me in the face, then i was lookin round to see where the ball had gone and i managed to catch it as i spun round completely by accident! You probly had to be there!!!

But it was fun.

Big week this week. Gonna try to give blood on the 12th. on the 11th I'm meeting someone special. On the 10th it's results day AND i'm off to see a mate. And tomorrow, the 9th, I'm off down to Bucks to find a home. Need to be there by 10 which involves catching a train at about 7:40am. Which in turn involves getting up at like 6am! I could do with a bath but I'll only seaze up in it, so I'll settle for sponging myself down. And I dont mean that in any dirty way!!!!!!!

Still miss Shaz. Haven't heard from her yet, but I'm gonna assume she got home ok.

Right, I'm off. I need sleep. My body is in agony, but I've gotta manage somehow. Bye bye :-)

Saturday 7 June 2003

u know how I was all upset the other day cos ......
Why am I in such a bad mood all of a sudden? It makes no sense whatsoever! It could be cos my mate is gonna be going somewhere and so I won't be able to speak to her as often.
.....well, today's the day she goes. To be honest I don't know what to say. I'm near tears. She doesn't know/care how much her support and friendship has meant to me. Didn't say a proper goodbye cos I had to go and she wasn't at her computer - but I said I'll miss her and I think I wished her luck. Hopefully I'll get to say goodbye to her before she leaves the country - I asked if I could but I didn't get a yes or a no.

So, amongst all the aching joints that come from sleeping in the living room because your sister and her fella are making too much noise for you to sleep, I feel quite alone and empty and sick.

This is something she said.....
dont like saying goodbye when I know I'm not going to see people ever again. Best cry now I guess to save crying in front of Dad tomorrow.
......I think it's not about me, but still. I'm not gonna see her or be able to email her for over a year at least. She'll be missed loads and loads and loads, and I wish I could keep texting her to tell her this but I don't want her to get annoyed with me. So I'm left in the rather awkward position of having to appear fairly calm while inside vital organs are missing.

I'm gonna go try and find ways to hold back the tears.

Friday 6 June 2003

Good evening! lol. well, you know how i kinda hinted at a nice relaxing day? well it dint work! ok, so i got a nice meal from the chippy, got to lie in front of the tv, but.......
1) Current landlady really did beat around the bush to ask for the eleccy and gas meter readings. But she didn't quite have the heart to say that some of my security deposit will need to be spent - though she all but said it!!! Bless her - I was gonna let her keep it anyway! It was only 5 £20 notes.
2) This one was a bit more of a bolt out the blue. Not entirely sure how to say it with it still making sense, but somebody who I wanted to believe was my best mate (even though he used to scam me) and haven't talked to in a year because of various personal feelings involving not wanting to get hurt, has invited me on a night out to one of our old haunts where, to be honest, we had lots of fun. I wasn't sure whether I should say yes, but i did want to say yes. It took me nearly 2 hours and the opinions of 3 people to decide on a yes.

I really have missed them this past year. Spent nights wondering how they were, but not wanting to text too often for fear of sending the wrong impression. We did used to have fun. Well, me and this person. Though I never liked the people they were friends with, and the influences they had. But this meeting could easily go either way. I'm more inclined to think it will go well, but the 'friends' i mentioned previously could be worse or got better. The latter being less plausable. So, many mixed emotions. But, it's in the town nearest to the majority of my family - so if things go wrong, I'll be fine. So, let's hope for the best.

Ok, enough about that. Found out tonight that sister is back from her hols. So this means more tension, and no evening control of tv. Though thank god she has a job else i'd go mad!!! Talking of sister, I think it's her lager that's in the garage. The same lager that I've been merrily working my way through this week. Also, she's just this second stepped through the door. how about that then?

ttfn
Never did go on friday. HAve decided on Monday. I've made the appointment and everything now. I go down in the morning, look through the places they have on offer for an hour or so. Then (and im still not entirely certain how this is gonna happen) we go to the places I like. Then, I think about it. Not sure how long for, but I'll probly get it over and done with there and then.

So, with a bit of luck, I'll have somewhere to live during my work placement sorted by end of Monday. I stress a bit of luck!!! lol!

As for all yesterdays worries - they seem to have floated away. Don't know when they'll be back, but I'll be ready with my frying pan when they do. Today on the other hand shouldn't be so bad. Tonight I get my first proper meal in a week from the chippy. I ignored the Jehovah's Witnesses when they came. It seemed a bit pointless trying to un-brainwash someone. Today, I'm listening to music. Looking for places where I can download some classical music. I found this really great site once - through pretty much pure chance, but computer crashed and so i never found it again! damn it!

It's 3-43 and all's well.

Thursday 5 June 2003

right. im gonna make an appointment to go down to bucks tomorrow. Gonna go for bike ride to auntie's house too. Don't really remember the way by canal. I know the road way, but there's far too many hills for my under-excersised body to handle. Plus, I seem to remember that the canal I want lies deep into evil territory. That being where lots of people I could really do without seeing live. There is another option of course, but I'm not sure if the two canals I'm thinking of ever meet.

Why can't anything be simple? Why why why why why?

Why am I in such a bad mood all of a sudden? It makes no sense whatsoever! It could be cos my mate is gonna be going somewhere and so I won't be able to speak to her as often. Yeah, I think it's that. Oh well. Nowt I can do about that, except make the most of the moments I get. Erm, I want to say more but I dont think I should. Lets just say that I depend on her way too much.

Stupid buggering idiot! <<<<<<< me

can't be arsed goin through places with bad memories. I'm not in the mood. I'll find something to do. Even if it's on the Sims.

Why do my short posts always end up being so long?

Bye bye.
I forgot to include something I remembered from school. My English teacher, who was right about pretty much everything, said that we'd always remember the start to Wordsworth's Daffodills. After hearing BB Jon recite (in some form) Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet (which I guesed btw) I remembered Daffodills. ahem

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd
A host, of golden Daffodills.


How about that then! Also last night I found a recording of Florence Nightingale..... http://www.bl.uk/sounds/nighti56.ram

Right, off to make dinner. WE got no food, so it looks like cheese sarnies. Still don't know when to go to Bucks. I should go tomorrow really. I'll arrange a time today i think. But after dinner. Cos I didn't have any tea last night :-( Though I did manage to dream of sitting in McDonalds when a couple of girls came and sat by me. We then had a walk round town, and we got on really well. Nice start to a relationship really - pity it'll never happen as easily as that!!!!!

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
Crivens! The bigjobs took me last attempt at an entry. [drastic mis-use of Discworld, please forgive]

So, here follows a summary (in no particular order, well the order i remember but that doesnt really mean nethin now does it)...........
1) Read most of my Wee Free Men book.
2) Went to play snooker with cousin. Had a great time. after dodgy start lost 2-3.
3) Debated Mary Magdelene with Jehovah's Witnesses. They invited themselves round on Friday. Was gonna get a huge argument against blind faith, but got bored by the evening. [this was yesterday]
4) Started talking to another of my friends from school again.
5) Helping cousin to arrange a weekend away.
6) Feeling very useful and wanted.
7) Most friends are finishing exams and will be moving home soon.
8) 20th birthday is about 8 days away. Hopefully goin out on the 21st.
9) Still miss Wales
10) Lots of meet-ups with people coming up. When I say lots there's 2 to 4.
11) Going down south friday maybe to arrange some visits to flats.
12) Results day is looming closer and I've done no revision in case of resits - ah well. [tuppence and up goes the donkey would be good to use, but I've already abused DW so I won't]
13) Pot noodle smelled like cockells u used to get at pubs on a night time. Used to like cockells.
14) Buying White Stripes and Evanessance albums.
15) Must apologise for possibly insulting someone when all I was doing was being playful :-s

right, managed to get that done this time. Probly missin loads of interesting details - but I'm not typing all that out again without some kind of payment. A woman my age who loves me to bits for who I am may be a bit much to ask, so I'll settle for chocolate.

I'll let u in on a secret - when I go to bed at night, I often say goodnight to a few of my friends. So Nighty Night everyone x have sweet dreams and don't let the bed bugs bite!

Tuesday 3 June 2003

Well, after an ok week, last night came as a bit of a suprise. I managed to do a little bit of crying. Not entirely in sadness though. It was rather confusing. I started by imagining something thats happening soon - just thinking what to do etc. Then later, for some reason, I started thinking about a girl I used to like. We had a lot of fun, and it could have been lots lots better but I buggered it up, and I've regretted it ever since. So was a little upset about that.

But I feel a bit better today, still feeling single though. On a lighter note, me book has arrived (Wee Free Men) and I shall be reading it today. Right after the Terry & Gabby show - which is actually quite good for channel 5.

My plans for using the car have been buggered up. I was gonna go visit me mates, but now I've found out that I'm not even gonna be insured on the car. So now, I'm being chaufferred (not such a bad thing!!!) up to uni on results day. Then on to my mates house. Then as for house hunting, I was gonna go down to Bucks next week. I'd have a car to drive around in then. But no, I now have to find my way using public transport. But it'll be ok - I'm sure I can find my way around. But as for meeting my mates down there - that's gonna be tricky. But I do need to see the one cos she's havin a bit of a bad time and needs some cheering up.

Oh well. Don't know whether to go for a bike ride later - or even go down to Bucks tomorrow. Plans are in dis-array and the bin men are outside.

Monday 2 June 2003

what a bloody anti-climax.

Computer let me down completely - realone player decided to have a bit rate of zero, for pretty much the entire launch. So, i saw a lovely black screen! Then thought of bbc news 24. watched that - and even then, it was nowt special. It would've been nice to get a retrospective camera angle, but i spose thats too much to ask.

New series of Spooks starting tonight. lookin forward to that! picks up where it left off, and since watching 24 i'm suspicious of anything i don't actually see, we only assumed that the bomb went off. question is, did it? hope it didn't. but it probably did!

bored now.
It's another day.

In fact, 2 days later.

Everything has been moved out of Huddersfield. Room is packed with stuff (no pun intended). So is the loft. All my stuff. Went for a lovely meal Saturday in my favourite pub. It's in a village just out of Stourbridge. Lovely food. There's this waitress. I think she's the daughter of the family that own the pub. She's been working there for years. Still, I have no idea how old she is. I've been wondering for a very long time. Had a bit of a crush on her at one time, and got it into my head that she had one on me too. So weird. Nice lass though. Always a pleasure to see her.

Sunday went well too. Was quite civilised. Said a decent goodbye. Altogether a success though. Had a nice Sunday lunch in one of our locals up there. We have 4 pubs we go to, all dotted around Huddersfield. All lovely places that do lovely food. Some have more attractive staff than others, but that's just normal.

Monday, today, is ok. There's a few people I want to help but can't. Mainly cos I have no idea how to. Ah well. Was expecting my Discworld book to arrive today, but looks like it isn't going to after all. I'll hope for tomorrow. Dad asked me to tidy up the kitchen, so, unlike me, I actually did. I also hoovered the house - but that was only cos sisters hair was all over the floor. And i couldn't stands no more!

Lentil soup for lunch was lovely.

So, rest of day has been spent waiting for 18:45 tonight. Listening to radio 1.

Why 18:45? cos that's when Beagle2 and Mars Express take off from Baikonur, Kazakhstan. For once, the ESA are televising this launch, and even though it's on a russian Soyuz launcher - it aint american!!!!!! So me happy. It's a big day for the ESA, and indeed Aberystwyth Uni who designed Beagle2 so I'm lead to believe. So i'll be watching live. I thought i'd have lots of trouble getting the RealOne Player to work. Cos it's been playin up for ages - but it all seems fine now. so i'll leave it loaded and ready to watch the coverage that starts 30 mins before the launch. Can u believe that there was ONE shared file stopping windows from loading, running and shutting down properly? Replaced it, and somehow any resulting problems have ironed themselves out! So I'm quite impressed with this good old home computer right now - even if the cd drive is failing, along with the floppy drive. Dad's thinking of just buying a new motherboard CD drive and floppy drive and reusing everythin else. Which will probly save a load of money, just not entirely sure i could do it!

Friday 30 May 2003

Just calculated my life expectancy - 82 years!!! But i am underweight. Well - im gonna have dinner now, so I'll hope to improve the weight issue!!!

Oh, and apparently grilling meat and fish increases the cancer causing chemicals. FFS! Can't eat anything! Coke and Tango (maybe many others) have a poison in them, you need to cook everything i a certain way! Well, sod it. I'll make a few changes, possibly limit my exposure. But It's too fussy for me to remember. Maybe over time - eh?

Oh, and I found out that "Gut-transit time" should be kept below 20 hours to limit the exposure to possible cancer causing chemicals. Hence decrease chances of bowel cancer. etc.

The list was quite extensive. Still, at least i KNOW where I'm going wrong now.

Bye bye.
ooh, had a go at sister a little. im feeling much calmer now. not sure if i could sleep - i'd probly start thinking about stuff again
did i mention my back now KILLS from the bike ride. I expected my legs to ache, they do a little, but nowhere near as much as i expected. How about that then? I say it's typical. Others would say stop being so silly.

I do silly bloody well!

I also do anger well. I'm now plotting revenges against girls bf's who cheat on them. Some lovely schemes. Oh, and yes i do know that its very very late. not tired yet
right, to summarise the last 20 minutes: i have to tell him, unequivically that i don't fancy him. However there may be questions regarding my own sexuality.

FFS! at least im a little calmer now.
this is getting good. All complete balls mind.
harvmeister: ok, so i'll meet u half way on this one. i know i have no interest in him.
steph_1966: yeah but thats just him
harvmeister: so i should tell him this outright?
mrstruth: aye
steph_1966: yes u should
harvmeister: and that will solve which problems?
steph_1966: no point in keeping the guy hangin on
steph_1966: cos he`s prob just as wound up as u r
harvmeister: the possesiveness?
and now i'm feeling like i have to question my sexuality - which I'm certain of for the first time in years! So, where is tonight going to lead? stay tuned!
steph_1966: but he does know that u tired it tho with some1 else?
harvmeister: yeah. i was telling him how i know i'm not gay. The same night he told me he fancied me
steph_1966: thats were u made the mistake then
steph_1966: if u tod him that u have tired out a few things
harvmeister: he thinks that i tried it once, i might be open to try oit again?
steph_1966: *told
steph_1966: thats prob wat he is thinking
harvmeister: oh bugger!
i am SOOOOOO bloody angry right now!!! have u seen the time? I can't get to sleep now - i've worked myself up into such a state! And all because of a text messge, that, for most intents and purposes, was meant in a friendly way. I just didnt take it like that. I see it as an attack on my privacy. Coupled with the feeling that my Mom pries WAY tooo much into my life, I'm feeling rather angry.

Who shall i have a go at first? I know - text message snder....he wasn't meant to know where i was. i so wish i'd stayed in a __ing b&b now! it may have cost a bit, but at least i'd be away from EVERYONE. every __ing nosy bastard who wants to know TOO much about me. I don't mind ppl knowing some things - hence THIS piece of self absorbed effluence! But trying to know EVRYTHING does my head in. And it makes me angry! I've spent the last hal;f hour imagining fights and arguments. Of course, i alwasy win, but that just fuels the anger further. BLOODY BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! How dare he get me this sodding angry. Have this level of control. It's that that I resent the most. Almost as much as i hate that stupid, borderline pathetic, threatening stare. All it __ing does is make me want to punch the git - doesn't scare me, make me feel guilty or anything. just fillsd me with __ing rage.. BLOODY BLOODY BASTARD!

As for Mom, well, her intentions are, at least, honest and sincere. She cares, fuck knows why she seems to delve into my personal life so deeply. She does it with no1 else - just me. __ing fantastic trhat is! Am i allowed NO privacy. Am i allowed no peace? All I'm trying to do is get on with my life. I'm coping. I see a psychotherapist, I see a counsellor, I have a doctor monitoring the physical effects of all this stress - FOR FUCKS SAKE i'm BLOODY WELL COPING!! But no, that isn't good enough is it?! No, not only am i doing all that, but my bloody mother wants me to tell her exactly whats gone on, n all the gory detail possible. I don't tell her, and i tell her that what she's doing annoys me - BUT STILL SHE ASKS!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*deep breath*

All i want, is to start enjoying my life. I'm sick of ppl prying. It doesn't FEEL like care. It's meant as care, but it doesn't feel like it. I'm happy having virtually no real-life social life. I'm happy having my mates miles away from me. Cos when i visit, it's special. The impersonality of the internet allows me to overcome my low confidence. I'M __ING FINE AS I AM! I wish ppl would just stop fussing and just leave my mental state alone! I didn't mention that the texter is a psychology student did i? I __ing hate them now. Always watching, and knowing your mind better than you. There's fuck loads of suspicion going on i know. Possibly a hefty dose of paranoia. And no, i'm not entirely sure what i want done to rectify the situation. But i am VERY pissed off right now, and this has been why.

I'm now gonna go on chat. Hopefully SOMEONE i know will be online for me to chat to. I can only hope!

Thursday 29 May 2003

Well, who would've guessed it eh? I'm back home in Stourbridge at least 4 days early!!! Not my fault though - I got a bit scared by the bloke I've been sharing a house with. He was being a bit nasty and since I know what he did to the last person he didn't like (it involved poisonings) I didn't want to stick around. Of course, he's all apologetic now, but it's too late. Damage is done. I'm home. Don't have to go back for 15 months!!! Work placement is the next thing to worry about, though i should be getting ready for any resits I have.


Talking of uni, all me assignments should be in now. So I think I can afford to relax.

Prepare yourself - big brother comment is next: It's shite when you're not all wrapped up in it. Right now - they're singing their hearts out in the back garden...... and i thought i was bad!!! Lol! At least they failed their task. All they had to do was sit in a sodding pedalo - how difficult can it be? But no, smart arse Federico decides he wants gum. Idiot.

Right, enough of that. Still miss Wales.

It's now quite late for me. Ive been sleeping well and in normalish hours just lately. Plus I think I've got everything off my chest. I could whinge about my computer being broken even more YET AGAIN than when I left it, but I can't be arsed. It's too warm and I'm sweating - oh the shame!!!

So night night x

Tuesday 27 May 2003

wow. deep conversation. Lovely chat room. (again).

It really is a shame that i cant talk in real life like i do when im on the internet. Im gettin better at chattin on the phone now. But im still not as chatty as i used to be.

I used to be really sociable, talking all the time to different ppl - really! ok, so always on the phone - barely anyone would be seen dead talking to me face to face, but i'd talk for ages on the phone. But then (and probably rightly so cos of the phone bill) i was made to sto talkin to ppl. and so number of friends dwindled. i lost the nack of talking. And so here we are. Mr Unable to hold a conversation cos he does too much thinking.

Never mind eh? I think i did ok in Wales. no, for me, i did REALLY well. So i'm now gonna go home, buy some pizza and have inane conversation, listen to general abuse of the german language, and watch tv that i may or may not like. Still, if u cant have fun at home - where can u have fun?!!! Oh the irony! Im goin back to bloody Wales. I was having fun there! Lol. And yes, im going to be going on about this for at least the rest of this week - it being the higlight of the month. and year so far. i have interesting experiences planned for june - all of which will be here. Oh god.

never mmind. off i go. t'ra.
lovely chat room.

I just remembered a story i can put on site. Something some random bloke was telling me on the train. very interesting really.
ok, so I'm home now. Back in glorious Huddersfield. I'd forgotten how much the place smells. Well, not so much smells, but has a large variety of odours. Including, spray paint, oil, fire, "fine authentic asian cuisine" and who could forget that smell of the rivers. Lovely. Though probly not as bad as the river ankh - these at least flow with 90% water!

These uni computers aren't as good as the last one i was on. But never mind, i shall have to make do. I may as well say that the trip is now over, and though i do feel kinda sad because it is, I still had a great time. So Wales is now oficially forgiven cos I managed to leave Wales happy - and that's never happened before!!! Hehe - and I told my flatmate that I went to Scotland. Didn't want to explain the truth, i'd rather it not be tarnished by his misery.

Erm, I haven't mentioned Big Brother at all yet i don't think. Haven't watched an awful lot of it to be honest. Saw the launch night, sat in front of the downstairs TV eating a spicy chinese king prawn meal, and having blackberry cheesecake for desert. Lovely it was. So, it was a good night indeed. Watched a bit of the live stuff. Liked the twist of having to nominate after knowing each other for just a couple of hours. But one thing i don't get is that nobody in the house has figured out that if there are only 4 ppl up for eviction, and each person nominated one person to automatically be up for eviction which means that anywhere between 1 and 9 people voted for them. Which should demoralise them rather more than it has methinks. Anyway, on with the story, went away saturday morning till monday night. Got back watched Alias, stayed up for a bit and went to bed - i was nackered!!! I decided to watch a bit of telly using my handheld TV, saw the first BBLB as well as the BB highlights of the weekend. Then went to sleep for a good 10 hours! The task is to keep pedaling a pedalo continously at over 60rpm for 72 hours. People say it's a good task. I'm undecided. I think it could be though. It's not exactly easy! So I'll check up on their progress in a bit.

So, next day, today, got up and watched Enterprise. Came into uni to re-hand-in my assignments. I think the lecturer was a little annoyed at all the fuss that has been caused. He didn't know he needed ALL our assignments so you can only guess the confusion. I know people who are having to have time off work to come all the way to Huddersfield to hand stuff in.

I think that's a nice catch-up. I'm gonna see if I can find any of my mates on chat. bfn :-)

Sunday 25 May 2003

wow. someone elses computer.

Im in wales.

Went out last night. Had a very good night. Today is lovely too.
I think I may be able to forgive Wales for being so evil to me in the past.
Bless Shaz. Such a lovely host. Lookin after me so well. so THANKS SHAZ!!!

enough said. lovely holiday. not going back to huddersfield cos someone else is there who I'd prefer to limit my exposure to.

Uni mucked up so now i have to arrange all my past assignments (from this year) to be sent from home home to the lecturer - i only can hope he gets them in time. He apologised so i won't call him a dozy idiot. I don't know where my logbooks are, so i'll hand in all i can find and just hope its all there - if its not then I don't know what will happen. Knowing my luck, I'll just have to write them all again! cross ya fingers for me!!

Went for a walk on the beach - gorgeous it was. Saw Ireland. I was so proud. I texted me mate in N. Ireland and told her that i was thinking of her!!! Well, its the thought that counts.

Anyway, must go.

Sunday 18 May 2003

don't know what else to say really. i done nowt. you know about exams, you know about the burglar alarm. You don't know about me driving round the country to see my mates. But that dont make interesting reading does it! It'll be nice. Theres a couple people from lycos, a mate of mine who Ive not seen drunk before, and anyone else i pass on the way! hopefully.

Should be fun. and yes, alarm is STILL going off
Ive now improved the piccy site. Its still egotistical nonsense, but what the hey - im putting a link to it!

Chicken wasn't defrosted. Nor was the quiche that i half ate. Eugh. Think i went to the chinese takeaway 2 doors down instead.

burglar alarm has now been going off for 10 minutes.

Yes, another night to be spent at uni!. oh well. I got abducted to a promotion party last night. That was fun. No really, it was. I thought i was bein cheeky sometimes, but i reckon i got away with it.

Night before that i got very drunk on bacardi. And, bacardi goes straight to my eyes. Vision went very quickly!! Still, i got to watch TV5 (french channel) for a while. I didn't have a clue what was going on. So eventually i put a shopping channel on - they were selling Buffy stuff. Most interesting!!! lol!

Thursday 15 May 2003

yet again... ta da - all done. home time!!! (hopefully the chicken is defrosted tonight - had to make a pasta bake last nigth cos of that bloody chicken!!!).
ta da! all done. piccy site to do now. think i'll go home and leave it for tomorrow. i'll have more time then.
bye ya'll
one new story for website written. i heard these good things on the radio - James Whale, Talk Sport, so i decided to include them in my site. The one is all about Mary Magdelene the other, which i shall write now, is about a worldwide communist empire being secretly established.
friends reunited is so cool. My old chums from school are talkin to me. Okay, so theres only 3 at the minute that I lost contact with. But thats 1 more than last month and 3 more than the month before that! ooh, and i kinda made contact with a 4th girl but she didnt really seem that pleased to be hearing from me. Oh the memories of ppl saying "here's my number, now dont EVER ring me" I'm assuming they meant until we're older. That certainly seems to be the case now.
oh god oh god oh god.

end of last but one exam. if i get the revision in tonight, i'll find tomorrows exam fine.

im so glad its over tough. and i didnt do anywhere near as badly as i thought i would. i was thinking i'd not be able to answer anything. as it turned out, i could answer half of 3 questions!!! the last one is up to the examiner - i did all 6 questions when i only needed 4 cos thats how unsure i was. but its over. i can stop feeling sick. i did better than i dreamt last night anyway.

i got a funny story though. well two actually here goes....

1) We had an exam in a completely strange place. It was at a little known (to us) towards the opposite side of the town centre. So finding the building took a while, then finding the room in the maze of doors was the next thing. Then we come to the room. It was noisy. From car alarms going off, to the heating system squeeling and creaking and banging. Nobody had brought the exam papers because the person who sets the exam is meant to bring them - but he wasnt in. so at the last minute, someone had been asked to step in. Some poor woman had to run across town with the papers! then, once the exam had started, all i could see in the corner of my eye was this blokes foot twitching.

Right story two - Different room, in a bit more of a familiar building across the road from our usual site, room was quiet, warm, but there were pigeons roosting (if a pigeon can roost - it was making a row anyway) outside one of the open windows. The blinds didn't pull down properly so some ppl were being dazled, and guess what........the same bloke who's foot had been twitching all the way through the last exam, was, again twitching. Only this time he kept sighing heavily and making his shoes squeak! so bloody annoying!!!

Thats it for my little stories of woe. Todays exam was in a nice room. Air conditioned, quiet, warm. lovely. Pity about the paper - but hey - what can ya do?

Im all geared up to fail this year now. Ive nearly managed to dissasociate the memories of ppl i hated quitting uni and the thought of failure itself. So hopefully i wont be disgusted with myself. Especially not if i live at home cos sister wont stop pestering me about it. She makes sure she spends every available second at home saying that she earns more than me. Like i care!

I think thats all for now. if i find anything else to rant about i'll be right back.

Sunday 11 May 2003

night night by the way. Exams finish friday. all in quick succession of course - wednesday thursday friday (and not forgetting tomorrow!!!) so I'll be back online then. SO, until the next time i want to waste my time chatting to lovely people and emailing my lovely friends,

night night
I had to come into uni to help my mate. that was at 4pm. I spent a little while revising - 2, maybe 3 hours. It's now 10 to ten (which is late) i'm at uni (wrong place to be this late) and I havent done enough revising.

BUGGER BUGGER BUGGER MY OWN IDLENESS AND INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE!!!

Oh well. Too late now I spose. I think I'll manage to scrape a pass still. It's all formulae u see. and I havent made much of an effort to remember them. i just havent had the energy.

Friday 9 May 2003

Hmmm, well how useless am I? I was meant to come on here b4 coming to uni, but did I? No! Admittedly it wasnt my fault. Had a big tearful heart to heart with family. So I think that kinda excuses me for breaking a promise I made to myself.
Trip to psychotherapist went well today. I got the impression that he seemed to think I've done well this past week.

Oooh - just checking the email account I'm using to talk to the timewasters from my work placement. I have ANOTHER email! AND its from a different person!!!! WOW! Let me read........
If Lycos EVER decides to let me read it..........
*twiddles thumbs patiently*
Strange how the ads work perfectly yet the page is full of errors
Oh balls to this - I shouldnt have to wait 2 minutes for an email message. It's taking the piss.

Im still gonna live on my own. Its gonna cost me over £1500 For just moving in. Then im lookin at £600/month rent after that. I get £1000 back at the end of the year - but I still have to make it appear from somewhere - and how the hell am I meant to do that? I cant keep relying on other people to fund me - and I dont want to be relying on my student loan.
*lycos still not loaded*

Im too thirsty to keep talking. Im getting irritable and my arse hurts from these uni chairs.

But just to summarise, things are going ok, revision is going well, people are being ok with me, and the rain hasn't been pouring down on me.

Heard a great thing on the radio. Completely disproving the bible altogether. I kinda didnt think it was particularly accurate - and it is now proved (publically) that it isnt. Over half of the original has been 'omitted' just to suit the needs of religious leaders. My mate got it spot on "it only goes to prove my point further".

Got to shove that in my site. cant be arsed right now - since it's hurting.

Saturday 3 May 2003

hi!

well, panic stations yesterday. Woke up to discover that I'd mis-calculated the weeks i had until exams. So not only have I done very little revision, but my first exam is thursday. i couls scream "shit" a few thousand times, but I wont. im tryin to stay calm. Its better for my health. Though not a lot is gonna get rid of this aching in my stomach. Ive also missed the hand-in date for my final assignment. Which, and I'm not sure about this, I could get away with if I do well in the exam. I dont think every assignment needs to be done anymore. Well, I guess I'll find out soon.

Heshe is FINALLY moving out today. yes - moving out! I couldnt believe the txt msg I got. (housemate 3 was asking permission to break into my room to get It's ironing board back). So i said yes it can. But, and I dont think she's asked about this, I still have a load of her stuff. well, chopsticks, matrix video. Poossibly a few other bits n bobs. And she better not nick any of my stuff! not that theres much lyin around the house that belongsa to me. I think there's a Faculty video - which, incidently, I bought for my then gf and she didnt want it. Made no effort to even pretend. Just came straight out with it. Is it any wonder she's ex? Theres more, but it'll come out over time.

Im going home sunday now. was gonna go back today, but im avoiding heshe altogether. Dont really want to go back to Uni. Not with someone else living there. Even if the main problem has buggered off, the conditions wont be perfect. But it'll be bearable im sure. Must have faith in that else i'll get tearful again. So i'll be packing up the few things that I need to take back (room up at uni is practically empty already) today. Not a lot. Leaving laptop here. I'll only be gone till end of May. then it's house hunting in high wycombe!

Talking of that, someone ACTUALLY bothered to email me!!! I couldnt believe it! its only taken 3 weeks! its not like its time critical is it?! bloody hell! So, politely of course, im going to tell him to bugger off if he thinks he's lettin me do all the arranging. No easy rides here! Nope, im having a house to myself. I NEED a house to myself. My mind needs a house to itself. i need to recover. And for once in my life (possibly the first time) im doing what i want - not what's necessary.

Well, food time. there's more i want to say, but it'll have to wait. I havent said my big goodbyes either. but i will.

Friday 2 May 2003

It is 03:30 AM. i am very tired.

I stayed up specially to keep a friend company while they worked. Wanted an early night. but no, i stay up. and i thought i was helping. being someone to chat to. to provide a distraction - a welcome distraction from the stresses.

But then she just went. gave up and went to bed. i know i shouldnt, but i feel angry and disappointed. I was tryin - i really was, yet i feel like it wasnt good enough. I shouldnt get so wrapped up in other ppl's emotions. I start behaving like im them. its not good. But i just wanted someone to know i was upset. Upset cos she gave up after I was trying to help. Its bloody difficult to be chatty at three in the bloody morning u know!!!

Im in shock more than anything. hence the inability to express myself. well, tiredness hasnt helped. well i may as well go to bed. i tried, i failed. but hopefully she'll do well in this essay and it'll all be worth it still. Im sure she will do. Cos I do have faith in her. And im sorry for being angry at her for upsetting me. Im just a silly bugger.

For the record, and since I'm here, I have to start my 'mood diary' today. and by the way my moods have been getting more and more volatile this last week - it should prove interesting reading. Also, sister went clubbing in the city (14ish miles away) and she still isnt back. I wouldnt think anything of it if she wasnt 17! its nearly 4am - and she's causing me concern. the little bitch who i like to think i dont give a flying f**k about is causing me bloody concern! BITCH!

bugger, ive wound myself up. What better time than to remember that IVE DONE NO FECKING REVISION THIS WEEK well, except for one day - and that was pathetic.. roll on work placement - its gonna be so good living on my own. For the first few weeks at least. I shall relish theose weeks! Bedtime now. my head hurts, my back hurts, my eyes are sore - my bloody excema cream is at uni house so my forehead feels like its on fire most of the time, im tearful and im going to bed. i better not cry myself to sleep. i'll try reading my book - that always gives me good dreams. thats if i can stay awake long enough.

thankfully, i dont have to be up tomorrow for anything, though i do go back to uni at the weekend - and i dont want to AT ALL.

Sweet dreams

Wednesday 30 April 2003

I should stay up late more often. Well, once I'd watched Trisha it was past 3. I'd also been tormenting the hamster. Well, not so much tormenting. I opened the cage dor, then watched him slowly edge out. But his cage sits on top of a box, so the poor thing dropped 30cm straight onto his head. so i picked him up and put him back.

Anyway, thats not the point. I had this really weird dream after reading a bit of Nightwatch. Loosely based on Nightwatch and Trisha. The subject on Trisha was somethin to do with babies - so that was in my head. And then the two (so far) lead characters in Nightwatch got into my dream. And heres the dream.....

There was this baby born. Dont know who it came out of but it was probly a woman off holby city and the relationship to me had something to do with my dads sister in law and cousin. Well, I had to look after this baby. but i was in the middle of eating. Havent a clue what i was eating - it was wafer thin and greasy - like strips of cucumber slices, and warm. didnt taste all that nice. and I was given this small bronze statue thing that moved and made sounds to supervise the baby playing with. So I was doing that, feeding the baby, washing etc - just the general looking after. ANd I noticed on the sideboard two calling cards from two different institutions. A force of evil and a force of bad I think. Well, one card was from Commander Vimes, the other was from someone else, but the name was blurry. The organisations sounded pretty good, but i dont remember those either!

Well, that was it. doesnt sound that interesting, but it freaked me out for some reason - u know when u wake up with a feeling. well that.

bfn :-)
theres a frenzy of ppl gettin back in touch with each other. How i'll miss this attenton when its all over. (no more entries now, losing ability to type)
I should probly add that the plane flight was on a flight sim in a little jet. Bye again!
Hi. Its way too late.. can barely keep eyes open. But the world just had to know these two things.....
1) Mom asked me if i'd joined a cult. I, said no. But maybe with a few extra words.
2) I just completed a plane journey from Birmingham (UK) to Brisbane (Aus). Its taken me since about 3pm - so shall we call it 10 hours? Did all the navigating by myself. Except towards the end. I was getting bored after the Phillipines and so kept speeding up time even more, So i kinda neede to cheat and use cooordinates to get me out the mess. I also ended up turning off the need to refuel. Right, emails and then off to bed I think. Night All x

Sunday 27 April 2003

When have you last:

SMILED? Sometime today

LAUGHED? about 10pm last night

CRIED? Friday night I think it was. It was in happiness though

BOUGHT SOMETHING? Friday - Nightwatch by TP

DANCED? A week and 2 days ago

WERE SARCASTIC? about two hours ago max.

KISSED SOMEONE? Hmmm, can't remember. May have whilst dancing. Think I did.!

TALKED TO AN EX? sometime last week

WATCHED YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Few months ago

HAD A NIGHTMARE? Few nights ago

LAST BOOK YOU READ? Nightwatch - PTerry

LAST MOVIE YOU SAW? Johnny English

LAST SONG YOU HEARD? Erm, no idea. It was on the Vibe Chart

LAST THING YOU HAD TO DRINK? Tango cherry

LAST TIME YOU SHOWERED? Week and 2 days ago. (only a bath at home)

LAST THING YOU ATE? Biscuits (with a cup of tea)


DO YOU...

DO DRUGS? No

HAVE SEX? not lately

SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS? Not unless I'm really upset

LIVE IN THE MOMENT? sometimes - daydreams are often better:)

HAD A DREAM THAT KEEPS COMING BACK? not really any more

PLAY AN INSTRUMENT? Keyboard and singing (had lessons in both)

BELIEVE THERE IS LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS? yep

REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE? Yes. And the second. Buggered up the second never got a chance with the first.

STILL LOVE THEM? No, but not completely over the second yet. Took 6 yrs to get over the first.

READ THE NEWSPAPER? When I get to buy it

HAVE ANY GAY OR LESBIAN FRIENDS? Erm, I've got 'bi' friends.

BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? Believe in anti-miracles

BELIEVE IT'S POSSIBLE TO REMAIN FAITHFUL FOREVER? Probly don't believe it - but it would be nice in a perfect world

CONSIDER YOURSELF TOLERANT OF OTHERS? I'd like to think so

CONSIDER LOVE A MISTAKE? Nope

LIKE THE TASTE OF ALCOHOL? A few things

HAVE A FAVORITE CANDY?Fizzy sweets

BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? Only when upset

BELIEVE IN GOD? No way

BELIEVE IN MAGIC? not really - but nice to watch

PRAY? Of a sort - and only on special occasions, and not to 'God'

GO TO CHURCH? No

HAVE ANY PETS? Not any more :-(

TALK TO STRANGERS? When I have to

WEAR HATS? When it's cold - they really don't suit me

HAVE ANY PIERCINGS? Nope

HAVE ANY TATTOOS? No

HATE YOURSELF? Yes

HAVE AN OBSESSION? hating myself, worrying that others hate me

HAVE A SECRET CRUSH? Now and then

COLLECT ANYTHING? Used to collect X-Files videos. Want to start a crystal collection.

HAVE A BEST FRIEND? A few

WISH ON STARS? No

LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Occasionally - usually when tired

HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? Yes. Obsessing.

CARE ABOUT LOOKS? Sometimes - again, depends on mood

BELIEVE IN WITCHES? no

BELIEVE IN SATAN? nope

BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? yep - seen a few

Name a song that.....

Reminds you of an ex-lover: Torn - Natalie Imbruglia

Reminds you of an ex-friend: Something by sum41 ('dont count on me' I think)

Reminds you of your childhood: Storm in a Teacup - Lyndsey DePaul (I think thats her name)

Makes you cry: The cancer song off tv (dont know name or artist)

Makes you laugh: (Fallen for a) Lampost - Madness

Makes you wanna dance: King of my Castle - Wamdu Project

You wish had been written about you: Isn't it Ironic - Alanis Morriset

Fills you with complete joy: Bohemian Raphsody - Queen

You never want to hear again: Most R n B

You want to get married to: thank you - dido

You want played at your funeral: Depends how I die!!!

Makes you want to mosh/slam dance: I think it's called "Broken" - Linkin Palk

Sums up your teenage years: Don't Speak - No Doubt (I think)

You used to hate but now like: gold - spandau ballet

You like to wake up to: The 'Flash' thing that Scott Mills kept playing on Radio 1

Gets you ready for a hard day/night: Mars (the Bringer of War) - Gustov Holst (from The Planets)

You like out of your parents record collection: Greatest Hits 3CD Collection - Queen

Your parents like out of your collection: They don't like any of it (so they say! - I'm bound to have something)

You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: Can't think of anything. Probly some tracks off the early Eminem albums.

Makes you think of someone who died: everybody hurts - rem

You love the video more than the tune: Make Luv - Room 5 feat Oliver Cheatham

You love which is from one of your favorite movies: Lost in Space Theme - Apollo 440

Forgot to say......
I went to see a film with parents. It was 'Johnny English'. It was good. I was doin quite a bit of laughin! And (even better) the kids round home can shut up during a film - not like the kids I saw in Huddersfield that were too thick to notice that the film had started! I like the films Rowan Atkinson does - I think I'd class myself as a fan.

Talking of films, the Red Dwarf film FINALLY has made some more progress. Since this time last year, the latest news had been that dress rehersals had taken place. But now, yes NOW, they're in the process of finding a place to film in Australia! With production now starting in September (if all goes well). At last!!!!!!! The plot sounds good - homeosapeinoids are chasing down the Red Dwarf crew. Now theres a few questions in the flyer I saw, but never mind! They said it was a bit wrong. But it's on the Red Dwarf site, not too suprisingly - www.reddwarf.co.uk
Ta Da! Took a while, but this place is working again!!! Well, its been an action packed week *sarcasm* so heres the rundown.....

Dentist:- Possibly ripping me off. Ive been going there all the life of my teeth and all of a sudden - now that i have to pay for my treatment - he's been sending me to the hygenist and giving me x-rays. No that I mind, cos at least my teeth will be in tip-top condition, but its not nice if its not needed. Plus I forgot all about my mobile when I went into the x-ray room, so it was still switched on while they were taking the piccies. And whats funny is the woman who did it has been there ever since I was little. She's the 'senior nurse' now.

House Hunting:- Went suprisingly well. Expected to be completely stressed out by the time I got back. Turned out just to be boring. Everywhere was lovely, the bad areas were no worse than where i live now. So all in all, a success. Took down some numbers of the more relevant estate agents just to give myself a head start when I begin searching for THE place to live. A nice day out though.

After driving round Buckinghamshire, we went to High Wycombe. Ended up buying the latest Terry Pratchett book - Nightwatch. As usual, read the first few pages and couldnt put it down!!! Though it is the first hard back book ive ever bought. well, reading book - text books don't count!

I had this brainwave on Friday (think it was Friday) - Ive been talking to this 'long (5 years) lost' friend by email, but never put her addy into messenger - so I did! Few hours later guess who comes online?! Well it was a strange chat. But very nice. We got on well, and from what I can tell (and from what I could tell back then) we're still fairly alike! Which is good - very good! At some point we're all goin to meet up. By all, I mean her and a chap we were mates with in primary school. Now he's changed. But for the better I'd say. One of my memories about him involves him convincing me I was a vampire. Lmao!

My mate has a good list of questions, So, I'm gonna do them and another one. It's interesting to get to know me. Also, I'm gonna take the (braveish) step of putting a link to this place on my website (eventually I'll make it part of it, but can't be bothered right now).

Im meant to be revising - still havent. though after today I'll be doing stuff. Then treating myself with Nightwatch in the evening. havent got to listen to VOR lately. Listened to Chiltern FM though last night. Had a cosy night in. Without the cosiness though. It was good. Good company, few beers, food, arguing kids and the occasional belch on Yahoo!Chat. Well, I'll get goin on those questionnaires. They usually take me AGES! Mainly cos im an indecisive little sod!

Tuesday 22 April 2003

Hmmm. Email from friend. I hate her ex now. Probly not as much as her, but I do. Not fair. Adding to stress is not something to be proud of. Talking of which (stress), someone next door is currently revving their engine. Now I know some people just love that sound - but this person must be having bloody orgasms! This used to be such a peaceful place to live. Then the neighbours grew up. Still, it's better than the place at Uni. [note the faint nod in the direction of optimism - doesn't happen often, treasure it]
Ok then. Finally got here to do this. Took a while, but it was all worth it. I hope anyway. Had a lovely trip down memory lane this morning. Walked to the dentist you see. And to get there involves walking around where I grew up. Which is bad cos there's good memories that I miss and so make me feel bad and bad memories too. So imagine how glad I was that a hyper friend of mine was awake. Thanks to her, I'm relatively sane now. For the time being anyway. Got revision to do. Don't want to do it, but it needs doing. Exams don't start till 8th May, which isn't that far away really. I'll do that this afternoon. I wonder how much I'll actually get done?

I ruined a house hunting trip today. Inadvertently booked a dentist appointment for tomorrow when I'm meant to be going to Buckinghamshire to look for a house to live in for when I start my work placement in July. So now I have to go tomorrow. But since the nice car is being serviced, we have to take the, erm, not so nice car. Deafness here I come!
I got it now. Know how to work all this. Damn new fangled contraption. Right, I'm off to watch the millionaire documentary thats on now. Ta ta.
Morning again.
Morning.